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    → 左岸讀書,一如既往。

    我設想過的人生

    2019-06-29 . 閱讀: 588 views

    文/鄒近夫

    一百年前巴黎和會外交失敗,引發了偉大的五四運動,一千年前五代十國正演繹著歷史上一段大分裂時期。如今,貿易態勢懸而不決,股市飄紅茅臺破千了,72歲的高考釘子戶又落榜了,最后一批90后大學生步入了職場,而我的世界里,似乎什么都沒有發生。

    我沒想過參與一場轟轟烈烈的大革命,也沒想過夜夜風花雪月,更不要什么富可敵國,但我真切地設想過自己的悲慘人生。

    小時候特別喜歡模仿沙場里戰士,一有機會便匍匐前進,如果有人裝作向我開槍,那么我會捂住胸口,佯裝中彈犧牲,算得上一個戲精吧!也因此愛看戰爭片,尤其是抗日,但怎么都想不明白,為什么會有漢奸?直到有一天,在姐姐的鼓動下與爺爺奶奶鬧翻,另起爐灶,幾天而已,便一起逃到了外婆家。饑腸轆轆地用生動的語言胡編了一個離譜的事情經過,這其中當然得以一票否決的態度詆毀過去,而且毫不手軟。但是飯飽之后,發現自己因為貪生,而并沒有英勇就義,遂感尊嚴一片空白。

    后來便沒想過死,畢竟活著才能看得見,看見別人眼中的悲慘自己,聽得見,聽見別人怎樣的可憐悲嘆。猶記得課堂上學習《我與地壇》的時候,我漫無邊際地設想自己瘸了腿,也坐在輪椅上,被母親推進校園,出現在大眾的視野。這時,我暗戀的那個女孩,肯定會第一時間發現我的絕望,動情的目光里,飽含著惋惜之情,盡管還有許多哀傷的目光,從四面八方向我投來,但我就只關心操場上的鵝毛大雪,冰冷、寂寥、空曠...直到有一天,她為了逃脫一群愛慕者的追逐而狂奔時,我不顧一切穿過茂密的樹林抄近小道,目送她安然無恙地回家后,才發現雙腿健全,真不失為人間一大好事。

    讀了高中,我依然沒停止設想悲慘的人生境遇。那是04年秋,雅典奧運會出現了身披五星紅旗的飛人,而我卻在古希臘羅馬的神話中,幻想自己有一天變成斷臂的維納斯,一座雕塑,再不濟也應該像動漫里的斷臂忍者,有雙腿,還有雙眼,只是斷臂而已,這種殘缺是可以接受的。如此,我就不用手抄課堂筆記,也不用翻閱堆積如山的書籍,我只要用兩眼去閱讀,用心靈去感觸。但這種想法沒持續多久,便在熱水房遇到了心儀的女孩,她翩若驚鴻的體態,卻挪著笨重的步姿,而我,有幸路過。從這以后,我便打消了斷臂的念頭。

    人生設想似乎到了黔驢技窮的地步,我開始想過被家人拋棄,然后獨自一人流浪生涯。在沙漠、在海岸邊、在凋敝破敗的巷口,受盡世人的冷眼旁觀。唯有這種人生,不需要瘸腿斷臂,然而08年一場大雪冰封了十里村莊,我在電話只剩最后一格電的時候,打給了心儀的那個女孩,一段說未說清的話,最終凝結成霜。接下來的那些個日子,我開始擔心她滿世界地找我,開始擔心朋友們沒有我的日子,開始擔心來自世界人民的征召。

    幾個月的失聯,當通訊正常后,我馬上摁下電源開關,但座機通電之后,第一個卻是母親打來的電話,如釋重負地問這問那,接著是大姐,二姐,她們大概一直在撥打這個號碼吧!灰心泄氣之時,我想到了空間留言,于是急忙登陸,但是連個訪客記錄都沒有。

    經歷了這幾種假想的人生,到頭來無一成真。不過,我學會了欣賞悲劇,欣賞真,悲劇能豐富了我的心靈。慢慢的,我真切地認識到身體中每個部分原來都是不可或缺的,這些應該是上天的最好饋贈,沒有理由去故意破壞。

    我所設想的悲慘人生都沒發生,我過著從未想過的日子,每一天都是始料未及。

    左岸記:人在青春年少時最喜歡設想人生的種種,當時所想該是對那時心境的某種映照,或憧憬,或逃避,然后在現實里努力去一一印證,直到某一天突然明白,什么是真,什么是幻,于是活得真真切切,也少了那些“胡思亂想”。

    左岸

    愛讀書,愛生活!

    3 Comments On 我設想過的人生

    1. 各種各樣的設想!我也是這樣,但是沒有成為你那樣優秀的人,平凡吧!

    2. 我們總是在設想種種,卻不敢去正視現實,我不知道自己是在逃避還是選擇性撤退,我不知道自己這樣做是對還是錯,我們的人生一直在設想,一直在彷徨。

    3. 抱歉,是我的想法如此,可能不是我們

    發表評論



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