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    → 左岸讀書,一如既往。

    夢醒于無盡夜

    2019-06-20 . 閱讀: 503 views

    文/落微

    太陽艷艷的懸在頭頂之上,天氣很熱,蟬鳴不斷,空氣中溢著焦躁,一呼一吸間就感覺滿額頭汗津津。

    其他人都在曬谷子的公共坪上唱著生日歌兒歡歡樂樂的分蛋糕,整整兩桌人,有小孩子跑來跑去,也笑也鬧,分外喧囂。

    來不及思考為什么存在于久遠記憶中的大水泥坪會平平整整的裸露在眼前,連通往家里的那條長約一百來米的大路也成了過往的羊腸小道。我準備回去給外公把粥熱了。

    原本亮堂的房間竟昏昏暗暗,明明空氣清新,莫名感覺有種枯朽的氣息,不是來自于臥病于床的老人,而是從旁的不知是什么東西的身上撒了出來,淡淡散散,似有若無,卻又無法忽視。

    他蓋了足足三層大被子,母親與姨媽們照顧得很好,看著就整潔干爽,約摸是怕冷,一層又一層裹得嚴嚴實實,只露出了一顆腦袋。瘦得臉上骨頭都突了出來,脫了相,眼睛半闔著,說:你給我倒杯水喝喝吧,我嗓子干的口水都吞不下去了。

    于是我給他兌了杯溫水,他不馬上喝,非要半倚半坐著,雙手珍而重之捧了那杯水放在肚腹的位置,仿佛那是大雪天里的唯一熱源,我勸他,你手又抖又沒勁兒,趕緊喝了水我把杯子放邊上去,不然等下水都灑了,她們難得收拾。

    然后去熱粥,看著微波爐里轉了一圈又一圈,聽見姨媽驚呼,快步走過去看,果不其然,水灑了一床,深色與淺色交疊著融合著,猶如在進行著某種神秘的儀式。外公如犯了錯的孩子一樣無措又茫然,他大概仍舊不曾完全認識到自己已經不是那個有力氣的健康的老人了,疑惑著如何會被一小杯水挑戰了威嚴。

    也不知怎么的,忽然一股巨大的悲意洶涌而來,猙獰著嘴臉灌入胸腔,猛的淚如雨下,哽到喉嚨也失去了吞咽的功能,臉被淚水浸得辣辣的,想說點什么,發不出聲音來,只得悶悶的哭。

    我大概在埋怨外公不聽我的話,非要捧著那杯水不肯喝了將其放在桌子上,我想,因此我難過得哭了,為這大家進進出出新增的麻煩,為總以為自己能走能吃的外公。

    我抑制不下這股子悲意,只得找了個牽強的理由粉飾太平。

    于是給生生哭醒了,恍然,原來這是一場夢。暗想還好只是夢,可又覺得,又當不只是夢了,某些無法表達的情愫與掛念,它已如入侵的邪風,趁我不經意的時候,便作出了一些關于死生的預測。

    鬢邊枕頭已濕透,想來夢中無法遏止的濃厚悲傷已然沿著淚水,溢出了夢境,來到了現實中。

    恍恍惚惚,還沒徹底走出這悲傷,母親突然彈來一個語音電話,嚇了我一跳。母親得知我剛放棄了這份新工作之后,細細交代外公的狀況,催我回家,催我回家伴在他身旁。

    我與母親訴起了這場夢,哪知情緒越說越不穩定,本已平靜下來,竟又控制不住的哽咽,且有愈來愈烈的架勢。母親大概也有些慌,急急勸我不要如此,匆忙掛了電話。留我在這昏黃的寂靜里嚎啕大哭。

    大概無人能體會到我心中那點子仿佛塵埃要落定的悲意,亦無人可供我訴之以這悲意,于是一個字一個字的敲著鍵盤,竭力制造點聲響來,于這安靜到只有我一個人的呼吸的房間里建設一圍假象的墻,使得心臟獲得一丁點安寧。

    回想起近來做過的關于外公的夢,夢中的環境無一不是久遠孩童時候的樣子,大大的曬谷坪總被太陽照射著,羊腸小道旁竹林疏朗,間或雜草叢生,外公的房間,有時候是現今住著的,有時候卻又是以前老舊的模樣,饒是如此彰顯著年輕的久遠場景,外公卻始終是那個臥病在床的外公。屋外艷陽高照,屋內昏暗無光。

    我即使于夢中回到了孩童年紀,外公依舊是現今的外公,不仔細回想并未覺得矛盾,而今細細的回溯,仿佛是造夢者迫我回到現實,再不要做那可笑至極的夢。竹林早已填平,曬谷坪亦多年荒蕪,我再回不到過去,于健康的外公面前伸著手討一塊錢買零食,于被母親責罰之時盼他“救”我。

    而我寧可接受那不可調節不合常理的場景矛盾,繼續做著夢,于現實中也于夢中艱難的維系著這細若游絲的血脈羈絆。

    2019年6月20日凌晨1點,夜已深,人難眠,歸心似箭,心緒難平,作此文。

    左岸記:記憶如飄零的葉子,那些清新那些嫩綠早已埋葬在時間刻度的前段,惟有鋪天蓋地的想念在時間長河里緊緊糾纏。我們希望讓時光停留在原處,卻發現很多人早已被洪流悄無聲息地卷走了。

    左岸

    愛讀書,愛生活!

    2 Comments On 夢醒于無盡夜

    1. 真摯的情感

    2. 逝者如斯夫

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