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    → 左岸讀書,一如既往。

    請借我與深淵對望的勇氣

    2019-05-14 . 閱讀: 1,059 views

    文/一小點

    “當你凝視深淵的時候,深淵也在凝視你。”這句尼采的名言我第一次聽到是從別人口中,卻絲毫不感陌生,可能是因為聽到的時間節點比較特殊,在得知自己需要手術來消除病根的時候。

    我也不知道接下來要面臨的結果是好是壞,從我身上摘除的到底是個什么性質的東西,內心被難以描述的忐忑和恐懼填滿,這和我對蛇和老鼠那種恐懼感完全不能同日而語,未知總是比已知更具有恐怖色彩,當一個東西你看不到摸不著卻深知它對你有著某種威脅的時候,或許這種不知所措的抽象感受才是最深刻的恐懼吧。

    住院的半個月里,我的情緒意料之外的平靜,不知道是真的釋然了還是已經麻木。每每看到從手術臺上被推下來昏昏沉沉意識模糊的病友,就會腦補自己做完手術應該也是這種慘淡的樣子。

    我是病房里最后一個手術的,先我之前的兩個奶奶都給我寬心,告訴我一覺醒來就都好了,這種“奇妙的體驗”多么想這輩子都不要發生在我身上。

    手術前一晚10點后禁食禁水,還要喝兩大包灌腸的藥,那一晚的輾轉讓我竟然莫名的想起了高考前一晚,還好媽媽睡在我旁邊,一片漆黑里我好像都能看出她也沒睡著。

    天蒙蒙亮的時候我就被護士叫起來,洗漱后就被帶到手術室等待,我還心想這和我在電視里看到的一點都不一樣,沒被推著進手術室,也沒有親人緊緊握著我的手給我加油鼓勁的橋段,只有媽媽那句“媽在外面等你”被我緊握在冰涼的手心里取暖。可能因為沒戴眼鏡的緣故,眼前的一切因為失焦變得虛無起來,這反而讓我的焦慮感遞減不少。

    終于叫到了我的名字,我躺在手術床上不敢動彈,不是害怕,而是因為床太窄了,一翻身就會掉下去。

    剛進手術室只有一個助手,和我年齡相仿的小姑娘,她好像看出來我的緊張,就主動跟我聊天轉移注意力,還給我把被子蓋上,那會我早已無心關注“冷”這件事,直到她給我蓋上被子那一刻我才覺得原來我仍需要這份溫暖,我想我會一直記得這份陌生的溫暖,即便我看不清她可愛的樣子。

    等麻醉師、主刀醫生就位的時候,我的情緒已經從五味雜陳的不安過渡到了徹底的麻木,本想刻意感受一下麻藥一點點讓我意識消失的感覺,結果剛吸了兩口瞬間意識全無,等再次恢復意識的時候,耳邊不真切的聽到醫生喊:“握下我的手”,我很配合的使勁握了握他的手,然后就被踢里哐當推了出來。睜開眼的時候我還在去往病房的電梯里,爸爸媽媽,大伯大媽圍了一圈低頭看著我,臉上的關心和擔憂,讓我有了一種久違的來自家庭的幸福感,心想:真好,我還活著,還能感受這世上美好的一切。

    在家人的悉心照料下我恢復的挺不錯,病理結果也是良性的,帶著“重獲新生”般的喜悅,出院,回家,過年……

    贅述這么多不是為了賣慘,只是分享自己的一段經歷,沒有好壞之說,它會是組成我生命的很小一部分,是我強大路上的一個助推劑。

    人生的黑暗時刻和生命長度是成正比的,活得越久,你與那遙不可知的黑暗深淵相望的幾率就越大,每一次的對望都會讓你變得更強大一些,你永遠不必背對它掩耳盜鈴地自欺欺人,那樣只會讓自己背后發涼,因為你知道它在看著你,你卻不敢正視它的存在,它就會越發囂張,毫不遏制地開始向你蔓延、擴散,直至將你吞噬。

    可當你與它正面博弈的時候,你們至少是站在同一起跑線上的,你會想盡辦法看清它到底是怎樣的一種存在,每當看清楚一點心里的恐懼就會抽離一點,直到將它全部照亮,最后發現原來里面根本沒有你之前臆想的牛鬼蛇神,它只是一段透明玻璃鋪過的路,你只要大膽的走過去就好。

    感謝那些給予我與深淵對望的勇氣的你們,我的親人、朋友、那個助手小姑娘……他們都是我生命中最溫柔的存在,可我也要感謝那個曾讓我毛骨悚然的“深淵”,它會是我日后面臨各種困境的前車之鑒,是一種無形的底氣,有了這樣的底氣,以后的每一步我都會走的更加大膽、篤定。

    左岸記:看這篇文章,我是感同身受。去年的暑假我也做了個小手術,第一次躺在手術臺上,還是相當緊張的,直到真的動起手術來,有一種對醫生的信任,和對健康身體的珍視。經過手術,人的內心會變得更強大,更勇敢,會明白什么才是人生中最重要的。

    左岸

    愛讀書,愛生活!

    2 Comments On 請借我與深淵對望的勇氣

    1. 愛讀書,愛生活

    2. 活著。

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