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    → 左岸讀書,一如既往。

    生命是一場償還

    2019-03-30 . 閱讀: 919 views

    文/勿忘心安

    前天放學后,兒子又忘帶作業本,我爸陪他去拿了半天,我打電話過去催問。電話那頭是害怕聽到我責罵的老父親,手機里的嘶吼聲還未落幕,電話卻突而轉手交到了旁人手中。就這樣,一個平日關系還不錯的同學媽媽,聽到了我卑劣的吼叫聲。我轉而用恭敬的態度與她禮貌地交談,弱弱地掩飾著自己的暴躁性格。表里不一,是這么多年,印在我內在軀體里的標簽。正是因為自己看到了在家中那么拙劣的自己,才愈想欲蓋彌彰,去遮掩自己的罪行。而,終究,是遮掩不住的。

    《都挺好》中的蘇明成,從小被他媽慣得一身壞毛病,到長大后,繼續順風順水,以為一切都安然無恙。結果在他母親去世后,個人與家庭問題逐一爆發,他瞬間從小幸福徑直墮落到了窩囊廢。蘇明玉曾替他寫的一封懺悔信,讓他在獄中宣讀,并錄下視頻。他讀出時有梗咽,但卻不敢承認及面對如此卑劣的自己,所以在出獄后也一直追問逼迫明玉刪掉這段侮辱他人格的視頻。你成長中親人為你扛下的苦,終有一天會反過來成為你自己的傷疤,揭開就面目全非。

    小時候,不懂什么叫面子。只知道別的小朋友有零花錢,而我沒有,只好悄悄在一旁看著小伙伴吃著饞嘴的零食。回到家里,就獨自守著店鋪幫忙賣著煙酒,邊趴臺面上做作業。如若看到有認識的同學經過,趕緊躲到柜臺后假裝他們看不見我。我就是院子里大人們口中,別人家的孩子,成績優異,乖巧懂事,為家人幫忙還省心爭氣。不過他們不知道,我在每次守完店鋪后,都會要求媽媽獎勵我一包新進的零食,如果不給我就哭鬧。我卻是這平凡且貧窮的家中的小霸王,欺負著沒我聰明的姐姐,自作主張,在家中任性地我行我素。

    回想起來,媽媽雖然沒幾件好布料的衣裳,卻總是收拾得整潔靚麗出門,待人友善體面。爸爸熱情好客,與人和氣,頗善交談。爸爸在家事事依從媽媽,媽媽時而焦躁抱怨,爸爸常年忍耐包容。童年時的我和姐姐,都很討厭媽媽,盡管她對外人都是和和氣氣的,卻對我們總是兇神惡煞。長大前,我們都很崇拜爸爸,覺得他是世上最慈愛的父親,從不責備打罵孩子,總是給予無盡的愛。而成人后,之前的看法都改變了,我們都不想成為媽媽那樣的女人,亦不愿找如爸爸般的男人過一生。以前,我覺得,我有一個十分恩愛幸福的家,那里面充滿了真切的愛。而如今,愛我從未懷疑過,但幸福并沒有想象中單純。

    像我這樣,曾自修過心理學的人,一定都了解原生家庭。原生家庭帶給你的,無論是愛,還是傷害,你都得全盤接收。接納,在心理學中,是一個最基礎的概念,也是最難跨出的一步。這么多年,我都從未從內心真正接納真實完整的自我,因為我總是帶著厭惡的眼光看著自己,我無法接受自己的缺點。那種缺點長期以往,如夢魘糾纏著,繼而吞噬著我的自尊。而花了好久的時間,我才明白,我們去追溯自己的原生家庭,并不是為了去找到原兇怪罪誰,恰恰是為了原諒。原諒他們,他們已經盡力給了你最好的關愛,甚至超越了他們的能力范圍。原諒自己,即便有再多的不堪,也一定要看到自己閃光的地方。理解人生,確不是件容易的事,但一旦你寬恕了,你便會釋然,原來人間值得。

    不會好好說話,是中國式家庭的普遍問題。家中所謂的沉默,只不過是把所有的怨氣積累,埋藏在心底的角落。但誰也不知道這顆定時炸彈會何時爆發。原生家庭,在你成年后成立自己的家后,就已經不再牽絆你了。而關系,是永遠存在的。父母,父親,親子,這些都是環環相扣的,只有你理清了這些亂麻,才能一步步順暢地走下去。界限感也相當重要,我們都應保持著適當的距離,去用心交流。

    昨日午飯,如往常一般,十分安靜。我邊夾著菜,邊緩緩開口說,我們開個家庭會議吧。已經很久沒有坐下來面對面交談下了,我甚至不敢直視父母的雙眼。我簡要地說了下我的內心想法,我也不想再逃避了,畢竟逃避是解決不了問題的。一次次掙扎,一次次改變,一次次失敗,一次次重來。這就是我自己內心的狀態,我想要改變自己,我想要扭轉心底那個陰暗拙劣的自己。他們聽了,戰戰兢兢地默默點了下頭,只言片語,仍是表達關心。孩子在一旁叫著外公,尷尬的局面終于被打破了。我十分清楚,如果我不和原生家庭和解,不和父母和解,不與自己和解,我就無法相信自己,更無法教育孩子。這場頓悟來得太遲,但也好過再不斷地錯過。為了下半生,能好好地生活,必須逼自己去面對,用力跳出這個怪圈。

    昨晚躺在孩子身旁,翻看著幾年前的相冊。看到了寶貝稚嫩的臉,看到了自己青春時的模樣,更望到了還未蒼老的父母,頃刻淚流滿面。如今,我身邊的,是已年邁多慮卻還幫我擔重擔的父親,與依舊市井氣絮叨抱怨憂郁的母親。他們的身子本就有恙,再加上長年累月的勞累與擔憂,眼花了,腰腿疼了,記憶力衰退了。每每想到這里我就止不住的心酸,我能為他們做的實在太少了,甚至在給他們增添負擔,牽腸掛肚的擔憂。歲月無情,該來的終歸會來,唯有珍惜當下。

    那個拙劣的自己,我早晚得面對,還不如正視他,才能將他移出我的世界。而余生不長了,你應當多留些笑容給你至親的人。默默撫養你長大,為你的任性買單,在孤獨無助時給予支持,父母的愛遠勝過你愛子女的千倍,這輩子都還不起。所以,請不要再用言語傷害他們了,他們才是最值得被你愛的人,他們也是需要呵護的人兒。

    最大的孝順,是樂其心。無論余下的日子還剩多少,我們都要好好過,去彌補自己過去的罪過。很懷念幾年前,我們一家四口其樂融融的場景,不知從何時起,就不復存在。我相信,那些美好的片刻還可以被找回,你們依然是我們最親最愛的人。

    生命是一場償還,有些欠下的債,三生三世都還不完。

    左岸記:昨天的文章有兩條留言:

    現在讀了這篇文章,我還是覺得自己的回答過于冷酷了,真是少異客Echo和廖超國老師那種對情感發自內心的溫柔了。

    左岸

    愛讀書,愛生活!

    1 Comments On 生命是一場償還

    1. 扯淡,你父母做了多少對不起你的事,還需要你的原諒。

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