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    → 左岸讀書,一如既往。

    春花已落,夏葉未老

    2019-02-01 . 閱讀: 1,568 views

    文/奶茶不太甜

    又是新的一年到了。是的,大家都在說新年快樂。

    “我也當然愿你快樂。但更重要的是,在你難過的時候,你知道你可以把淚埋在我的懷抱。愿我們有笑有淚的走下去,走到人生黃昏處,去看那場落日。”母女之間,如果也能做到這樣一定美好萬分。畢竟,母女間的這份率真純粹,樸實真摯,絕非其他感情所能匹及。

    《好兒女花》和《饑餓的女兒》都是重慶作家虹影紀念其母親的作品,《饑餓的女兒》中作者站在自己的角度,看母親生活中的種種言行,為母親貼上冷漠、邋遢甚至麻木不仁等等不適合這個光輝形象的標簽,彼時的她并不理解母親,以至于義無反顧選擇逃離到英國。

    而《好兒女花》恰恰相反, 作者在書里這樣寫:那時候年輕,血液里全是叛逆,以為離開是唯一的出路。后來才發現,一個人若沒有了故鄉之根,也就是沒了生命之根,必然會迷失。母親,便是這根上的“根”。

    《好兒女花》從多個人的角度,還原了母親的一生:生在鄉下的母親,聰慧漂亮,從小就有主張,拒絕裹三寸小腳,被外婆體罰,餓飯,直餓到昏厥過去也不屈從。外婆把她許給有錢人家做童養媳,她就在月黑之夜一個人逃走,逃到重慶。

    在逃離的船上,英俊而又神采飛揚的袍哥觸動了母親的心,母親和袍哥男人舉辦了婚禮,不久母親懷孕,生下一個女兒。然而,袍哥就是一個社會混混,從來沒想過安穩的過生活。后來,母親不堪袍哥的虐待,抱著大姐從家里逃出來,在嘉陵江邊靠給船員洗衣服生存,遇上父親,從1947年到1999年父親去世。母親一直和父親生活在一起,但這中間,父親因為出海長久未歸,母親一個人在船廠抬杠子,拼盡全力討生活,但在那個饑荒年代,依舊喂不飽五個孩子。

    后來,母親認識了一個男人,這個男人對母親一家照顧有加,和母親一起打工養活孩子,母親愛上了這個男人,并且生下了私生子,也就是作者虹影。因為這件不光彩的事情,街坊鄰居對母親極盡侮辱指責。直到父親歸來,得知情況后,父親要母親做出抉擇,留下來養五個孩子,還是和那個人一起出走?彼時的母親,掙扎煎熬至極,她咬牙割舍了虹影的生父,留下了虹影。和父親一起養育六個孩子。

    盡管自此之后,父親不再提這件事情,但母親還是未能逃脫周遭人的白眼和唾棄。人們腦洞大開地為她扣上各種帽子,直至作者長大成人,母親終于從大姐記憶中溫順柔和、肌若凝脂的纖纖女子變為虹影眼里邋里邋遢,粗魯兇悍的潑辣怨婦。事實上,極少有人關心母親的情感,直到虹影長大,問及自己身世,母親盡管三緘其口,但還是不免淚目。一直以來,母親都在強迫自己忘卻,直到得知虹影生父不久人世,母親終于淚崩。這個看起來麻木的人,其實有深不可及的孤單。但是,她從不言說。

    仔細想想,好像平常的生活里母女、父子之間的相處是這樣的,因為是血肉相連的親人,所以許多的話反而成為禁忌。交流是恥辱,親近是羞恥,唯有通過互相苛求和中傷來表達對彼此的愛,才是理所當然。作者和母親之間也難逃這種僵硬局面。

    直到后來,母女兩人分別許久之后,虹影再回家的時候,母親已不如記憶中漠然,平和慈祥許多。記得書里虹影從英國回來時,對母親說,“我恨這個世界”。母親答:“你這樣回家,不算回家,我不希望看到你這個樣子,你該學會愛,有愛,你就會快樂起來。” 母親告訴她,你出去吧,或者出去就能找到真正的快樂。

    后來的后來, 她才從大姐口中得知,母親在年年去的廟會里,都會虔誠許愿:“菩薩保佑六妹,給她百合曼陀羅,給她利劍長江水,給她巫山云和霧,給她我的心、我的命,保佑她逢兇化吉,桿子到頭路百條,事事通順。”

    好像,與我們相見時,她就“應該”是母親。其實,是我們忘了,在這之前的一段人生,她也有美麗羽衣,也曾經在云端織虹紡霓,藏云捉月,久久凝注著自己的青春,被那份光華弄得癡然如醉。是她決定做母親,才把羽衣鎖在箱子里。但我們從不深究她的這些過往,她好像理所應當無所不能,無所不通,無所不包。

    “我見過你最深情的面孔和最柔軟的笑意,在炎涼的世態之中燈火一樣給予我茍且的能力,邊走邊愛。”我想這就是母親給予我們的力量,她不過是用自己獨有的方式,寬容也好刻薄也罷,令我們漸漸明白不管怎樣被生活對待,依然要許諾自己明日必有太陽,努力活得豐盛。

    即使春花已落去,但只要夏葉未老,依然擁有綠樹成蔭的時候。母親的一生,不正是如此嗎?

    須知,人生如路,而我們要在荒涼中走出繁華的風景來。

    左岸記:快過年了,大家都回家,家人團聚,其樂融融時又有什么不能表達的?你有多少愛,就會有多少勇氣;你希望家是什么樣子,你就要努力地去營造那種氛圍。

    左岸

    愛讀書,愛生活!

    1 Comments On 春花已落,夏葉未老

    1. 很有深度。

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