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    → 左岸讀書,一如既往。

    佛系姑娘的二三事

    2019-01-06 . 閱讀: 1,103 views

    文/落微

    1.外公

    外公今年八十來歲了。

    他在迅速衰老,老到,分不清站在面前的人是女兒還是孫女,記不清我是在上學還是上班,不知道自己有沒有吃午飯有沒有洗臉,甚至開始分不清此時是白晝還是黑夜。

    外公幾乎吞不下硬食了,只得把粥熬得稀爛,將肉做成末兒,亦或是蒸得爛熟,一勺一勺的喂。每一刻都離不了人,外公倒退成為了嬰兒。見不到人便要爬起來去找,他忘記了自己已經支撐不起自己的身體,亦或是忘記了前幾天晚上爬起來摔到了腿或腰。

    他不愿意承認自己已病倒于床,不記得自己在鬼門關前走過一次又一次,不知道什么是夢什么是現實什么是臆想,有時候會說房間里在冒水,有時候看見床上有無數的蟲子,有時候覺得早已逝去的外婆就站在他的床沿邊上,他分不清自己身處何方,時不時便喚來子女說要回家,不要待在醫院。

    他害怕死在醫院,這是老一輩人的頑固與執念。

    當我回到家的時候,總要一遍又一遍的與他重復同一個話題,甚至連一個字都不用改,進行無數遍同一個對話:

    你畢業了嗎?我已經上班啦咧!

    上班了啊,工資多少啊?X千左右。

    那還可以啊。

    公司有食堂嗎?沒有啊,我每天在外面吃呢。

    外面吃不健康……

    ……

    時間再往前推二三年,那時候外公還能記得大部分子女及孫輩,還能夠絮絮叨叨的“想當年”,甚至興致勃勃的坐在桌邊看子女們打牌。然而人的衰老猶如大廈傾倒,不過是一瞬間的事情,說不得從哪一天開始,就不記得人生那幾十年的事情了,只余下年輕時候那一段歲月,仍在記憶中顫巍巍的飄搖,仿佛下一刻也將如溪流入海,自此不見蹤跡了。

    每年家里前院的茶花開得茂盛時,我們又高興于外公又多活了一年,又多過了一年的生日。這是在死亡的邊緣上賺來的日子,使得所有人都暗中拍拍胸口慶幸如此,又悵然于他的日子終究過一日少一日。

    今年我家的茶花還只開了三兩朵,在大雪中搖搖欲墜。希望剩下的花苞們都經得住嚴寒,在外公生日那天綻放。

    2.我自己

    我今年過得好又不好。

    在23歲這個年紀,剛正式畢業一年,跳槽升職,漲薪帶團隊,混得風生水起,內里春風得意,給自己評了個優,飄飄然覺得自己的價值終于得到了體現,認為自己所學所知收獲了回報,肯定自己這條路走得正確極了。

    后又由于集團內部問題而選擇跟著上司跳平臺,于是幾番波折,輾轉又回到了離開一年的長沙,開始了新征程。

    順利,又波折,想要平平穩穩,約摸在我如今這個現狀而言是非常難的。至于此時此刻,人是在頹然的狀態下來寫這段文字的,激情持續了半年之久,終于在年底這段時間崩塌了,冷靜了,隨意了。

    而生活上,生活上便是一團糟了。失控,失控,失控。

    幾乎很少花時間去思考自我了,過得狂妄而自知,并且認為就應該如此,并沒有任何問題。我甚至鼓勵我自己持續這樣的狀態,如今想來也不知道是著了什么魔。

    這個狀態現在想想覺得還挺有趣,有什么比自己明明白白透透徹徹卻又孤傲狂妄自負,更好玩呢。大抵那也不是真的透透徹徹,只是上邊兒飄了兩個分身,一個不斷慫恿著我過分相信自己的能力與見識,一個則雙手抱胸冷眼旁觀。

    總的來說,一個并不怎么優秀的我,懷揣著我很優秀的思想,過著眼下的生活。有一點點漠然,又竭力想要獲取一些激情。

    3.關于2019年

    每一年的年初都是充滿希望的,制定各種計劃。今年要讀多少書,要如何健身運動,生活要如何有序,工作要如何進步,要存多少錢,學多少技能……最后幾乎沒有一個是認認真真的堅持完成了的,但起碼有過目標,有過計劃,還曾興致勃勃。

    今年是個例外。

    直到現在,我也沒有辦法真的制定出一個像模像樣的計劃出來。從18年年年底開始醞釀,然后接下來就一直活在不斷否定自我中,寫下任何一個目標,立刻就下意識的劃掉了。會設想無數種打斷這種目標的達成的“意外”,并且堅信總有一種會成真,于是好了,干脆什么也不必做了,且過一日算一日,頗有種破罐子破摔的節奏,盡管這是一年的開端。

    可能這也預示著今年不會過得太好,但一定過得很隨性。

    哦,我差點忘記了,我其實向來“佛系”。

    是不是感覺到了濃濃的悲觀氣息,事實上我也找不到什么值得樂觀的事情。因為感覺自己簡直已經失去了對未來的設想的能力,千千萬萬種“意外”消磨了它們,使之只能窩在心底時不時發個芽,然后又被扼殺在長出 第一片葉子之前。

    但愿大家都過得好吧。

    包括我。

    左岸記:生活從來不是容易的,誰不是一邊不想活了,一邊還努力地拼著。佛系姑娘,是指一個女生不管處于什么樣的境地,都能保持理智、善良、平和的狀態去處理問題,不和人撕逼,也不會和人發生矛盾和沖突。要做到這個可不容易,正如強大才能真正善良,智慧才能保持理智,豁達才能擁有平和,不在乎才能跳出矛盾沖突。隨心,隨性,隨緣,不悲不喜,再難也不難了。

    左岸

    愛讀書,愛生活!

    2 Comments On 佛系姑娘的二三事

    1. 身居陋室枕肱眠,眼越小窗望星空

    2. 走得再快,也要記得停一停,多陪陪長輩,也許明天你就永遠都見不到他們了。

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