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    → 左岸讀書,一如既往。

    誰來為我的情緒買單?

    2018-11-29 . 閱讀: 1,457 views

    文/齊婷

    我懷疑自己得了抑郁癥,真的,可能還不算嚴重。

    不知道怎么跟別人說,也找不到合適的人說。說了又能怎樣?沒人能理解,還覺得是矯情!

    什么時候開始的,也無從得知,只記得從某一天開始,不想跟人講話,滿腦子是人生沒意思,想逃離,卻對前路感到一片迷茫。每天反復思考的是要從頭開始人生,但是眼前的人生似乎已經失控。

    到了33歲這個年齡,莫名的有股強大的恐慌感襲來:工作瓶頸、孩子教育、夫妻關系…一系列問題,可是這些僅僅只在我眼里是個事。

    老公一直在職場上折騰,工作一換再換,雖然談不上成功,但也算是越混越好,經常在家里談論起他的工作來就興致盎然,從他言語中就能感受到一種存在感一種價值。

    而我,也一直身在職場中,只是不折騰,一個地兒能待上6、7年不挪窩,在老公、父母眼中,這叫穩定。

    不是不想,是身不由己。

    開始因為老公工作不如意,抱著總要有一個人穩定的想法壓抑著;就這樣一年復一年,現在又因為孩子大了要有人多抽空在家教育,這么重大的任務,權衡下來也只能落在朝九晚五有雙休無應酬的我身上。

    可是,當我面對越來越年輕化的同事們感到力不從心時,當我的生活圈子只剩下每天重復的單調和孩子的課業時,我很焦慮,感覺自己正在慢慢被抽空,想跳出舒適圈,卻早已不復年輕時的果敢,開始前怕狼后怕虎。

    近幾年一直很熱的話題之一就是“詐尸式教育”、“喪偶式教育”。我覺得我們家就算是。

    前幾年,孩子爸在外地,一個月回來兩次,一次也就一天半,對于孩子來說,生活里就是媽媽,爸爸是回來作客的。

    后來合計了一下,孩子大了,家里還是得有個男性角色,爸爸回來了。結果發現回來了也只是一周回家吃飯的機會變多了,有應酬不管重不重要,一次都不愿意落下,在家輔導作業說不了三句就是不耐煩,晚上要講個故事也就是機械式的朗讀,整天對孩子就是批評教育,這不對那不好,更不要說回家就是抱手機,從不主動做家務,以上種種都是不叫不動…….

    真不是我愛操心,都說父母是孩子最好的老師,什么都比不過言傳身教,為了不讓孩子有個分裂的性格,我只能犧牲自己的時間親力親為。

    也嘗試過跟孩子爸溝通,轉發很多教育帖子給他,每次收到的也就是“恩,說的對”“恩,我改”之類的回應,然而生活還是照常,不見任何變化。或許那些轉發的帖子還一直存放在他的微信里未曾點開過,說多了沒效果,也就再沒有溝通的欲望。

    有時想想,真累,還不如自己一個人帶孩子的時候,至少操心的只是一個娃。

    至于夫妻關系,說實在的,前兩年可能還會有所思考,現在,害怕去想。怕想的太深刻發現了婚姻的真相也不過就是兩個人合作把日子過完而已。所謂感情,能聯系起來的紐帶除了孩子想不出還有什么更實在的東西,或許感情本身,就是虛的。

    最近在看李誕的《冷場》,其中有一篇《在白光后》,雖然一開始看著荒誕,但是卻寫實:如果真有白光,那就是感情的驗金石,就那么一照,能把真正相愛的人照走,那么留下的,要么是不愛了,要么是愛的不夠了,但是為了生活還是得把婚姻維系下去。正如書里說“生活已經那么難了,生活還能更難?”

    如此眾多的情緒每天反復在腦海里翻涌,怎么解決?怎樣平衡?越想越陷入一種怪圈里無法自拔。

    我一直忙于為了別人的情緒操心,然而,我自己呢?誰能來為我的情緒買單?這僅僅是我一個人的問題,還是這個社會的問題折射在我身上的縮影?于是,抑郁這個詞就蹦跶了出來,這個鍋,抑郁,你背嗎?

    左岸記:不知這樣梳理過后,你的情緒有沒有變得好一些?情緒受環境、受他人影響,但情緒最終得自己買單。這些情緒來自工作的壓力,來自教育孩子的辛苦,來自夫妻情感的日趨平淡,這些問題好像很多,但真正問題所在是對自己存在價值的懷疑。

    突破的辦法可以從這中選一個來解決,工作能力變強,就會更自信;和孩子快樂在一起,自然會體驗到生活的樂趣;夫妻情感不斷升溫也會讓生活變得更加幸福。

    一時的情緒宣泄可以,適當的抱怨可以讓心理平衡一些,但絕不能讓自己沉浸在這種“怨嘆”里,你付出了很多,在這些付出當中肯定自己的價值吧,也讓大家知道你的付出,尊重肯定你的付出,讓你在乎的一切也同樣地在乎你。

    推薦《非暴力溝通》這本書。

    左岸

    愛讀書,愛生活!

    4 Comments On 誰來為我的情緒買單?

    1. 生活總是這樣 從不稱心如意

    2. 年近30 沒有結婚沒有生孩子 在2線城市上班,租房,收入不高,養活自己足夠,有時候也惶恐,但是覺得結婚生孩子不是自己想要的生活,今年大半年的時間努力學習考證,雖然學習很累,但是很充實,學到了這個行業很多的知識,變得更自信了些,不考試的時候吃吃喝喝看小說看電影逛街跑步,感覺挺好的

    3. 哎。。。

    4. 生活不易,且行且珍惜。

    發表評論



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