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    → 左岸讀書,一如既往。

    無須自卑,自信可以建立

    2018-11-22 . 閱讀: 1,403 views

    文/謝慧敏

    知乎有一個議題:“什么樣的人最有魅力。”集中度很高的一個答案:“自信的人最有魅力,不分男女。”

    我也認同這個說法。自信的人風度翩翩,言談侃侃,從容自如,令人好感倍增。我們都想成為這樣的人。然而實際情況是,在許多場合很多人張口結舌、手足無措、面紅耳赤,笨拙得就像一個小學生,事后恨不得抽自己一個耳光。

    如何建立自信?網上有一個廣為流傳的趣招,每天早上對著鏡子大聲喊:“我是獨一無二的,我是獨一無二的。”事實并沒有什么用,你就是喊上一百遍,喊破了嗓子,一旦面對一個盛大場面,或是一個漂亮姑娘,還是一只被戳破了的氣球。獨一無二是吧?小狗小貓都是,畫餅充不了饑。

    那如何建立自信,敝人不揣淺陋,談談看法。

    其實每個人多多少少都會自卑。狂傲如尼采:“去找女人嗎?不要忘了帶上你的鞭子!”生活中的他,一見到女人,臊得連話都不會講,一輩子王老五。文學大家從文先生年輕時就讀過很多書,走過很多路,然而他第一次上講臺,面對黑壓壓的學生,愣了十分鐘憋不出一句話,最后轉身在黑板上寫上一行字:“我第一次上課,見你們人多,怕了。”

    偶爾不自信是難免的,誰沒有短板?但經常自卑,影響到交往和工作,就該去反思了。

    建立自信需要有清醒的認識,對人和對己。

    說說對他人。人總是生活在特定的環境中,在環境中找定位,沒有對環境的正確認識,就不可能有對自己的精確定位。

    人在潛意識里都向往和優秀的人交往。我們喜歡靠近漂亮的姑娘,大學老師、學術權威、企業老板都是我們傾慕的對象,他們的美麗、能力和魄力讓人心折。然而事有兩面性,逼人的容光、淵博的學識、不凡的談吐也容易給人壓迫,與之交往會讓人自矮三分,說話結結巴巴,行動小心謹慎,水準大打折扣。

    這里還有一個認識偏差。我們往往美化他人,認為某一方面突出的人在各方面都不賴。才華出眾的人必定有良好的修養和人品。漂亮的女子很容易讓人聯想到自信、善良、端莊等品質,人們很自然地把大學教授同寬容、慷慨等字眼聯系起來。而實際情況大相徑庭。

    我上次去聽一位在全國小有名氣的作家的講座,該作家人氣很足,現場聽眾暴滿,最后是互動環節,聽眾提問很熱烈。就在這個環節,我發現,該作家在回答很多問題時不是答非所問就是有意繞開,很顯然,其學識并非我們想象中的那么廣博,他即興回答的能力也不強。

    美女天然自信是我們的慣常看法。網上做了一個調查:你很漂亮,你自信嗎?許多姑娘紛紛表示被人稱為美女,但本人不自信,高冷不過是面具,掩蓋不擅與人交往的事實,并且對自己的外形認同度低,稍有瑕疵便覺得見不得人。

    漂亮姑娘多為花瓶,名教授可能是生活低能,高高在上的官員常常臺上臺下兩副嘴臉,一擲千金的企業家不過是撞了大運的暴發戶。之所以覺得優秀的人什么都好是心理學上的暈輪效應,這種效應讓人們以偏蓋全。一個人的優秀也只在特定方面,離開這一領域他也就是一個普通人。

    我很認同一位網友的態度。

    他說他留學日本時,跟一位導師相處融洽,這位導師是一個儒雅的學者,長相、風度、家世、才學都很好。但他在老師面前很自如。當這個老師問起北京烤鴨時,該生從選料、制作、口感到鑒別說得頭頭是道,老師聽得很認真。

    學生說他在老師面前從不局促,寸有所長,尺有所短,不必矮化自己和也不必拔高他人。

    這位網友還說,人的優秀很大程度上是自己定義的,你認為優秀的,別人不一定這樣認為。你當下認為優秀的,當你自身素質提升了以后,優秀的標準發生變化。

    舉個例子。《簡﹒愛》里的英格拉姆小姐,在傭人和小阿黛爾眼里,是一尊高不可攀的女神,集美貌、家世、才藝、風度于一身。但在羅切斯特和簡﹒愛看來,她不過是一個裝模作樣、虛張聲勢、勢利庸俗、急于找長期飯碗的膚淺女人。

    一個人的認識越清醒,就越能夠平視他人,處事越從容。

    不過話說回來,知易行難。卑微的簡愛之所以瞧不上尊貴的英格拉姆小姐,是因為她自己有足夠的學識和品格。中國學生能在日本老師面前侃侃而談,是因為學生本人也有真才實學,沒有觀察入微,不可能對一件小事了如指掌。

    最后總結陳詞,也是老生常談,自信最終要靠自我提升。包括兩個方面。一是外形,不要油膩,不要邋遢。二是內涵,盡量讀萬卷書和行萬里路。惟有如此,才能達到王朔所說的“內心強大到混蛋”的自信境界。

    左岸記:自信的人是因為有底氣,底氣來自自身的能力,和使用能力所產生的效應。是的,自信光靠喊是沒有用的,要建立自信必須擁有解決問題的能力,能臨危不亂,有擔當,能真正地把事情做好。足夠的自信,是有強大的底氣來支撐。這樣的底氣,就是生命的厚重,可承載著風云突變,膽敢問鼎蒼穹亦從容。

    左岸

    愛讀書,愛生活!

    2 Comments On 無須自卑,自信可以建立

    1. 打鐵還需自身硬

    2. 感謝分享,謝謝

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