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    → 左岸讀書,一如既往。

    愛,可以天長地久

    2018-11-04 . 閱讀: 1,776 views

    /紅色蒲公英

    昨天,是我第三遍看龍應臺的新作《天長地久》。讀著讀著,我突然恍然大悟:能天長地久的,并不是時間,而是愛,是親情。這種天長地久,是把暫時片刻當作天長地久,給予所有短暫的團聚以永恒的對待。

    所有父母,并不是天生就是當父母的,人生也不提前開設這門課。你看不見天真爛漫的小女孩、調皮搗蛋的小男孩,看不見落落大方的妙齡姑娘、躊躇滿志的熱血青年,你經常看見的是嘮嘮叨叨的現在的父母。曾經,他們年輕過,都是被父母捧在手心,被疼愛過的。現在,他們只是你的父母而已。

    龍應臺說的很實在,她說“一旦是母親,你就被拋進‘母親’這個格子里,定格為我人生的后盾。后盾在我‘后面’,是保護我安全、推動我往前的力量,但是因為我的眼睛長的前面,就注定了永遠看不到后面的你”。也就是說,如被固定在“父母”的位置上,就只能終日隱在幕后,為舞臺前的子女勞碌一輩子。有時候,有些人以為這種付出是理所當然的。這種邏輯很奇怪,父母究竟欠我們什么?

    大部分父母不曾享受過、為自己活過,因為他們的人生只有為子女付出。平凡的父母親,不管人生的路有多遠、多曲折,也不顧自己的衰老,他們沒有為自己打算、為自己不甘,甚至也沒有寵愛一下自己,最多只有偶爾怨嘆一聲。這是為什么,難道僅僅因為你的身上流淌著他們的血液?

    等我們長大,終于受到足夠的教育,而且受的教育越高,我們走得越遠。不管是悲悲戚戚,還是歡歡喜喜,父母只得目送我們遠行的背影。可能“父母之愛子,則為之計深遠”吧,他們希望子女優秀,過得比自己好。

    前陣子看《鄧小平傳》,我了解到作為父親的鄧文明毅然決定送16歲的鄧小平去法國留學,我很敬佩這位父親的果斷和遠見,只是不知他有沒有料想到此后余生自己再也見不到兒子了,因為40多歲的鄧小平才首次回到家鄉,只見到幾個兄弟姐妹,而父親鄧文明早已過世。有人說,對于鄧文明送兒子留學法國這一舉動,可以理解為,一個作父親的政治野心、愛國心以及他對整個世界形勢的判斷和了解。這是從宏觀角度看的,從人性心理方面看,我更傾向于認為這是一位父親對兒子的愛,體現為放手讓他行走天涯、探索世界,盡管有些冒險。

    多年前,詩人紀伯倫在作品中對父母們說,你們的孩子,都不是你們的孩子,他們是借你而來,卻不是從你們而來;你們是弓,你們的孩子是從弦上發出的生命的箭矢。

    還有人說,人間所有的愛都指向團聚,唯有父母子女之愛指向分離。這對于父母來說,就要懂得適當地放手,給子女自由成長的空間;對于子女而言,則要珍惜與父母相處的時光,畢竟,錯過就不能回頭,也不再有。

    對父母,“此生唯一能給的,只有陪伴。而且,就在當下,因為,人走,茶涼,緣滅,生命從不等候”。我們要把每一次回家,每一次短暫地給父母的陪伴,變成有質量的陪伴,由此形成的綿綿愛意才可以天長地久。

    在國外留學多年的龍應臺,在她二十六歲的那個圣誕節里,第一次發現,兩代之間的“質量時間”,并不僅止于給予下一代的孩子,還在于回首上一代的父母,并體會到這是一輩子要堅守的幸福儀式。對此,作為單身的我的理解是,兩代人之間的“質量時間”就是要利用時間,給與父母高質量的陪伴;至于給下一代的陪伴問題,我現在無法體會。不過,這一方面,我們可以向龍應臺學習,34歲才當母親的她,很早就發現了這個陷阱——一旦嵌入“母親”那一格,成為子女的“后盾”,就要被看不見了。所以,她十幾年前就開啟了一個傳統,即每年和兒子們一對一旅行一兩次。她考慮得很周到,為了給子女們自由,為了不打擾他們的日常生活,便相約每年外出旅行。她覺得,在這一過程中,他們才能夠彼此醇厚相處、專心對待,便能享受到有質量的母子專屬時間。這也說明,真正的愛不是占有,不是強行闖入子女的生活,而是目送他們離開,過他們自己的生活,同時又親密注視著對方。

    這個關于角色陷阱的領悟,她大概是從上一代的父母身上體會到的吧。作為名人、忙人,她大約平時沒有多長時間陪伴父母,等她回過身來,父親已逝,母親已然是九十多歲高齡了,還處于失智狀態,全然不認識她這個女兒了。如今,她給母親寫信,確是未讀,不回。多么沉痛的領悟,她已經“無法轉身,不能回頭”。她通過《天長地久——給美君的信》提醒著我們,趁父母健在、神志清楚,停止抱怨,放下手機,專心聆聽,耐心陪伴,關心父母的生活,表達對他們的愛意和感恩。

    人生中的有些事,不能蹉跎,那就是對父母的陪伴。他們真正在乎和渴望的,也是陪伴。請珍惜和父母在一起的專屬時間,否則,一旦父母“突然轉身,無語離去”,“我們將帶著不知怎么訴說的心靈深處的悔歉和疼痛,默默走向自己的最后”。

     

    左岸記:必須承認把這一件事做得很好的人鳳毛麟角,因為親子關系所走的路線大多是這樣:很小的時候很依賴父母,父母也非常疼愛孩子,但隨著孩子慢慢長大,親子之間的相處越來越少,溝通越來越不順暢、矛盾越來越多……然后相互抱怨,在一起也常常無話可說,隔閡越來越大,愛也就說不出口。這需要一個內心的轉變,開放心態,主動去接納彼此,去珍惜在一起的日子,去了解彼此心里的想法,平等溝通,主動去改善關系。好的親人關系是人生成長的助力,也是心靈里最深的一處溫情需要。

    左岸

    愛讀書,愛生活!

    1 Comments On 愛,可以天長地久

    1. 我從初中開始住校,高中住校,大學畢業后,就在讀書的城市留下來工作了。這一路走來,發現留父母身邊的時間越來越少了。現在基本上是每月回去一次,周六下午回去,周天下午又趕回來上班。父母給我開玩笑說,每次你回來就想住賓館一樣,來去匆匆。父母一天天在變老,以后要多抽點時間陪陪父母。

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