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    → 左岸讀書,一如既往。

    怎樣讓孩子成為他自己?

    2018-09-15 . 閱讀: 1,161 views

    文/德魯伊

    和一個朋友喝酒,聊起今年最尷尬的事情是什么。

    我想了想,說起今年去上海、蘇州的事情,在拙政園前的一個店面和上海虹橋機場的機場店,我被誤認為是孟非。

    當店員竊竊私語、指指點點,那種粉絲的熱切眼神,讓我很尷尬、很尷尬。模仿秀很流行,COSPLAY正當道,被誤認或錯會成名人名角,該是得意的事情。

    但我是德叔,我很尷尬。

    這和我的教育理念有關吧。聊到教育理念,我一貫的想法是,讓孩子成為他自己。但很多朋友激烈的反對我,說你怎么知道“他自己”的什么樣的?我們起碼有些社會認可的樣板,我希望他成為的樣子。你這什么都沒影兒,你如何保證他能成為他自己?

    看之言之鑿鑿、理由充分,我該是敗了呢。果真如此么?其實說到底,他“應該”的模樣,是因為“他是你的孩子”。這個擁有感和所有權,結果就是無窮的“應該”和無窮的縱容。我們換個角度,把他當做一個活生生的人,獨立的人,你希望你遇到的他是什么模樣,該如何做事和日常行為,應該有什么品質?

    想認識世界就換個角度,這是我給很多人的建議。當你覺得自己無比正確,卻屢屢碰壁,無法成功的時候。多多少少都需要你換個角度看世界了。那面對自己的孩子也是吧,我覺得教育么,起碼要躲開兩點,一別讓他完成你的夢想;二別讓他彌補你的遺憾

    聊到其他的時候,朋友問我是否學佛,我說我不學,我喜歡而已。他問為什么很多學佛的人,很虔誠,聽師父講的也都是感恩珍惜,慈悲為懷。但真到了日常生活,連替別人開個樓道門都視而不見。或是面對環衛工或保安,就趾高氣揚,五馬長槍?

    我說人生說白了是個“看見”,你學佛慈悲,拔苦與樂,可惜你看不到“苦”,給不了“樂”,學佛枉然。你看得見自己,看不見別人。其實這樣的人很多,成功了一定是自己努力的結果,失敗了一定是周遭的人惡意。不管事情是如何的,反正自己沒什么錯誤,不應該承擔什么責任。

    昂起頭看的是天,低下頭看的是路,平視你看到的應該是人。可惜,大多數人抬頭看的是幻想,低頭看的是悔恨,平視看到的全部是“我”,而且這個“我”還極不快樂。

    活成自己是一個累人的事情,所以還是要快樂些。有一些人最大的本事是,自己快樂不了,還讓周遭的人不快樂。自虐的人多少還要分泌些多巴胺,他是虐的自己不快樂;虐人需要些腎上腺,這個他絕對合格,歇斯底里神經質。

    于是不管你是否學佛,總要學會“看見”,多點慈悲心總是好的。

    “拔苦”這事是個能力問題,別人在泥沼,你能不能拉他出來要看你的力量,別人跌倒了你扶,總要有兩膀子力氣,至于幫人提個東西、開個門、做個“枕頭們”(gentleman),那都是舉手之勞、順水之事。

    “與樂”該是最難的了,能給與,起碼自己有。自己都不快樂,你就是圣人、天使,你靠什么給別人快樂呢?燃燒你一個,幸福千萬家。那樣叫付出,奉獻,快樂還真就未必了。

    快樂這東西,是能浸潤周邊的,沾染的有可能是壞風氣,也可能沾染的是快樂。快樂的人,一是可以獨處,同樣也能成為人群的中心。人要是算動物,總是趨利避害的,你愿意圍繞的要么給你帶來利益、要么讓你快樂。

    一個可以“看見”自己,“看見”別人的人,一個有能力“拔苦”的人,一個有能力“與樂”的人,一個自己快樂的人。想來這樣做做自己,也還是蠻有意思的事情。

    繞回來說,你的孩子,你的人生,這樣去做了,這樣去成長了,也一定會成為他自己,你自己。

    于是我還是德叔,不管你把我錯認為是誰,我都不會快樂,那樣只會讓我更疑惑。

    左岸記:你就是你,你也只能是你,那些妄圖將自己按別人希望的樣子去做的人,結果都會變成別人眼中的鏡中花、水中月。成為自己并不是孤立自己,而是要讓自己成為關系中的獨一無二,不可或缺。這就要自己能融入到現實里,對,就是德叔說的,要“看見”,看見需要,付出努力,共同成長。

    德魯伊Druid

    德魯伊,70后。理工科碩士,喜歡寫作,職業經理人。 人入中年,攜妻帶子,止思踐行,與世界融洽、與自己坦然,充滿快樂生活的勇氣。 “質樸、靈動、喜悅、淡和”是為人生準則,“于人有用,于己有趣”是為人生標準。 文風以毀雞湯、靜心冥想、兒童教育、心理應用等見長。 著有: 《不曾孤獨,怎會懂得》(散文雜文集,作家出版社出版), 《不曾孤獨,怎會懂得 2》(散文雜文集,作家出版社出版), 《沒走過的是路,走過的才是人生》(心智成熟心理學作品,作家出版社出版), 《在疲憊的世間任性的活》(散文雜文集,文匯出版社)

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