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    → 左岸讀書,一如既往。

    教養也是一種能力

    2018-03-09 . 閱讀: 1,329 views

    一個人的教養,在他獨處和聚會時無比清晰。---題記

    /德魯伊

    中國人逢個節日,聚會是少不了的。既是例行公事,也是其樂融融。雖然耗時費力,但也屬于節日儀式感的組成部分。

    今年各類聚會,我什么都不服,就服熊孩子。上了小學的孩子,飯桌上上手抓菜、愛吃的獨占、對著爺爺奶奶不尊重、對著父母打打罵罵……

    偶爾我很贊賞傳統文化的回歸,比如家族里的尊卑,或是長輩、哥姐的教管。現在對人家的指手畫腳,在家里都有可能發生沖突,別說外人了,親戚也是不行的。

    于是,大家更多的選擇要么是幸災樂禍,“不作不死,天讓其亡…”的念叨,要么下定決心疏離。好事就是,教養成了大家批判的標準,壞處是很容易一個熊孩子,讓一些家族關系疏離。

    現在想起來,我比較慶幸有個絮叨和執著的哥哥,類似練字、用筷子、吃飯吧唧嘴,都是哥哥連哄帶嚇、不停嘮叨,讓我不勝其煩改正的。現如今,覺得真真需要感謝他,這樣的基本教養讓人一輩子受用不盡。

    近期也遇到些關于教養的事兒,越來越覺得教養本身是一個人的能力。

    ***

    愛人表弟,過去我不是很看上眼,因為年輕時候他對自己的家庭怨言頗多。

    我這個人的原則蠻簡單,你決定不了出身,“風吹花落、瓣落知何處”的事情。你只能盡量完成自我的構建,人生會有些改變的。

    這次春節,帶著他的兩個孩子來。大兒子三歲出頭,小女兒襁褓之中。他的媳婦兒還是城中村的,歲數蠻小。

    我是個有小孩兒緣的人,連不讓外人抱的小姑娘,我抱著也快樂的笑。大兒子三歲了,聰明愛笑,很有禮貌,讓我刮目。

    因著歲數大些,我直白的夸贊了他一番。他倒是很認真的給我講了些道理。

    “我已經不可能大富大貴,或奢望給孩子留什么大的事業和家產。反過來說,再大的家業,說禍禍完就禍禍完。我不如讓他更有教養一些,懂得行止。再怎么說,有教養的孩子,第一保護得了自己,第二起碼人家愿意幫你。”

    “反正我覺得,人這輩子能不能成功還真不好說,但保護自己少受傷害、多點人幫自己還是可能的,大約教養就是最基本的東西吧。”

    因為有了孩子自己也成長的,這算一個例子。

    又想開來,這個過去看不上的親戚,未來或許我也會多親近些吧。

    ***

    因著“左岸讀書”的原因,有了個“思文群”,我是思文群里的“德叔”。

    約摸著群管的宣傳和自己愛碼些字,愛寫作的一些童鞋們,偶爾會來討教。

    有那么一天,一個初三黨、一個高中黨不約而同來問關于作文的問題。

    初三黨比較直接,就著題目直接問如何寫,我看他也沒什么想法和延伸,就按著高分作文的模板,大致給他講了講。

    然后?然后沒有然后了,我突然覺得這樣也不對。于是,QQ里告訴他,請教問題起碼有個禮貌,沒誰天經地義要幫他,這次因著思文的面子指導一下,下次也別再找我了。

    他回了我一個大大的“?”。

    另一個,高中黨了,出的素材其實指向性蠻明顯的,但是孩子可能思維過于開放和活躍,與出題人的思路不太一致。我多和他討論了一會兒,并告訴他,中學作文涉獵的點不要多,一個點足矣,太過發散容易hold不住。

    他明白了,我想不會又是一個我要放棄的孩子吧。還好,最后說了幾句“謝謝”,然后我就順著說,以后不要白搭話,以后記得叫“德叔”。孩子很乖巧的叫了兩聲“德叔”,我說:好,去吧。

    這樣的孩子,未來我應該還是有興趣多指導一下吧。

    ***

    這個世界對成功的人另眼看待,前提是你足夠成功。還好的地方是,這個世界對有教養的人,會多些包容和微笑。一個別人愿意幫助的人,或許成功幾率也會大些。

    教養在過去更多是一個人的行止有度,自修的過程。但社會足夠殘酷或足夠一視同仁,教養也變成了一種能力。除了能更好的幫助自己,保護自己,還成為別人驗證你的一種方式,從而變成了人的一種能力。

    或許你聽過,一個對父母、女人尊重的人是值得信賴的。一個有起碼教養的孩子或年輕人,別人對你開放的態度和微笑的眼神,都將是你的資本。

    想起聚會時,我告訴丁丁,吃飯要記得端起碗吃,這是一種禮貌。

    左岸記:謝謝德叔!謝謝老德!你一下子將看到這篇文章的人的教養往前推了一大步。所謂教養,不過是細節。三種情境下最能體現一個人的教養:1.在無人關注的時候,是否會堅持做好自己;2.在所有人都做一件"沒教養"的事情的時候,會不會不從眾;3.當不得不做某事時,會不會考慮把對公眾的影響降到最低。

    就像下面這個場景:

    在面館吃面,旁邊一個小蘿莉把飲料不小心灑了一地。
    她媽媽特別溫柔地對她說,一只手拿不動的飲料要兩只手端好,不然就會灑,浪費飲料還有可能會把路過的人滑倒,知道了嗎?
    小蘿莉點頭。
    媽媽又說那你去跟那邊的叔叔阿姨說你不小心灑了水,麻煩叔叔阿姨擦一下。
    小蘿莉一副不好意思狀。
    媽媽說,犯了錯誤就要承認錯誤,也要自己解決。
    小蘿莉于是鼓起勇氣去跟服務員說,叔叔我不小心把果汁灑地上了,能麻煩你擦一下嘛。
    然后服務員也笑得特別開,跟小蘿莉說,沒關系的。
    臨走這麻麻還把桌面垃圾都收到了垃圾桶。

    德魯伊Druid

    德魯伊,70后。理工科碩士,喜歡寫作,職業經理人。 人入中年,攜妻帶子,止思踐行,與世界融洽、與自己坦然,充滿快樂生活的勇氣。 “質樸、靈動、喜悅、淡和”是為人生準則,“于人有用,于己有趣”是為人生標準。 文風以毀雞湯、靜心冥想、兒童教育、心理應用等見長。 著有: 《不曾孤獨,怎會懂得》(散文雜文集,作家出版社出版), 《不曾孤獨,怎會懂得 2》(散文雜文集,作家出版社出版), 《沒走過的是路,走過的才是人生》(心智成熟心理學作品,作家出版社出版), 《在疲憊的世間任性的活》(散文雜文集,文匯出版社)

    1 Comments On 教養也是一種能力

    1. 十分感謝德叔!

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