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    → 左岸讀書,一如既往。

    年華美麗,盛開如詩

    2018-03-07 . 閱讀: 1,100 views

    文/張瑩瑩

    “黑色的山巒不長一粒花朵,卻也自有面對它的喜悅。”

    這是三毛在《逍遙七島游》一文中描寫蘭沙略得島的話。原意是感嘆火山砂礫形成的樂園所散發出來的近乎厲冽的美,而今拿來借用,以表此時的心境。

    近些天,我的狀態很不好,倒不是有什么了不起的煩心事,也并非沉溺于混亂龐雜的情感里,我只是靜不下心,邁不開步。渾渾噩噩,封鎖在四四方方的水泥筑的殼子里,肆意揮霍著東升西落的陽光。

    這狀態從每天早上開始,便一直沉迷著,渾噩著,再至夜晚黑壓壓的來臨,方才如夢初醒,懊悔失意。然后周而復始。

    也曾在一個早上痛下決心,指天發狠,一天看完了一本書。卻在第二天泄了勁兒,不愿再看一眼。

    也曾獨自一人,在寒霜未去的早晨,立立整整地出了門,滿大街閑逛,太陽落了才回來。

    但我并沒有不開心,或者是哭喪著臉,相反,做個混吃混喝的人實在是輕松快樂的。只是會在某一個瞬間,忽的意識到了本我一樣,情緒鋪天蓋地地侵襲,胸口的憋悶逼得人窒息。

    而現在,我便是在這窒息的當口,盡力地喘一口氣來。

    我覺得世上,痛苦是分等級的,有高級的痛苦,有低級的痛苦。當然,這里的高低級之說并沒有絲毫的貶義之意。任何一份痛苦都同樣沉重,同樣束縛。只不過,按照馬斯洛的需求層次理論,需求不同,痛苦的成因也不同,痛苦也自然不同了。

    讀過三毛的《雨季不再來》,自覺對待她的痛苦頗為理解,但在讀過《撒哈拉的故事》后,我卻突然忘記她為何痛苦了,?更多的是自小身邊人的不理解和遠在異國的孤寂罷了。但她終究從寫字、畫畫中平安度過了。到了撒哈拉之后,孤寂的心情,更多的是被身邊的五光十色和迥異風俗震撼,擠走了。剩下的,只是《白手成家》里幸福地布置自己家的心了。

    我常有些亂七八糟的擔憂,對于未來的居多,總覺未來困難重重,風險多多。卻又同時,保持著盲目的樂觀和不切實際的遐想。就好像現在,我和家人在一起,享受著此刻圍坐一起的溫馨,腦子里轉的卻是若有一天,失去他們的孤寂和漂泊。這心態并未持續太久,就被你追我趕的打鬧驅散,只想著趕快逃離,求個清靜了。

    我曾做過許多蠢事,大多都是些為情所困的自我感動,比如默默回望,比如偷偷關注,比如寄一封沒有署名的明信片,比如在車站的一角,看著故人遠去。這其中的所有舉動,都是一時沖動,氣血上涌,所做下的不明智罷了。事情雖然蠢,這種自我感動似的蠢事想必會愈來愈少了,話語也會愈來愈安全和謹慎了。可我卻更是懷念著做這蠢事的心境,那賭徒似的勇氣怕是再難有了,剩下的,只是小心翼翼地試探罷了。

    說到車站,曾看過一篇文章,吐槽當下的車站沒有人情味兒,沒有月臺可告別,不能目送車離去,總是匆忙。我的生命里曾出現過多次相送,大多都忘記,但空落落的心情卻不曾忘懷,以后也會再有。

    我有一個朋友,并不時常聯系,卻喜歡互相分享歌曲。有時是清晨,有時是午夜,彼此不說一句話,恰巧聽到好聽的歌,符合此刻的莫名情緒,就隨手分享了。這種交流很微妙,于我,卻是享受。不用太多寒暄,只是滿足分享的心情,又時常有好聽的歌送來,省時,省力。以至于大半年的聊天記錄,都是歌曲鏈接,并無其他。

    這個寒假,爸媽開始關心我的個人感情問題了。爸爸并未多說,只是交待了句自己做主。媽媽卻是不斷試探了。朋友的一個來電,一次聚會,媽媽都會露出微妙的笑意來。記憶深刻的是,在某個夜晚,喝醉酒的她,看著和同學發微信的我,微笑著說:“你現在經歷的,我都經歷過。”然后迷迷糊糊地睡去了。我卻愕然,我也終將會年老,成為妻子,成為母親,可青春啊,卻是永遠以相似的姿態,出現著。

    而我正在擁有它。

    “年華美麗,盛開如詩。”未知的曲折和折磨,還遙不可及;曾經的傷痛和期冀,不能重寫。我所擁有的,是現在;我所能做的,是接受。

    接受自己,接受別人,接受現況,接受失望。接受可以不妥協,失望可以不絕望。路依舊坎坷,仍需前行。

    但我相信,終有值得。

    左岸記:看起來絮絮叨叨,卻是真真切切的小心情,很隨心地,很自然地呈現出來。這是一種很美妙的生活狀態,看似尋常,卻別有一番滋味在心頭。生活哪里需要那么多計較,哪里有那么多不甘心,如果有一顆美好的心,善于思考又努力去做,生活就是這樣的行云流水,自在花開。

    左岸

    愛讀書,愛生活!

    2 Comments On 年華美麗,盛開如詩

    1. 一定要把生活活得美麗,才不負此生。

    2. 好貼近現實的描寫

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