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    → 左岸讀書,一如既往。

    人心中要有自己的早晨

    2017-08-24 . 閱讀: 1,102 views

    文/兌澤

    有一年冬天,我在戈壁灘的一個小鎮上班,風成日成夜的刮著,總覺得在風里有個女人在哭,紛紛揚揚的雪不知年月的下著,我們幾個年輕姑娘成日在基地的院子里出出進進,四周很寂靜,遠遠近近聽不見說話的聲音,走路的聲音也聽不見 ,每棵樹都睡著了,葉子在秋天都死完了,更不用說花草了,早早的消失了。

    我沒事總端著一盆蘭花在轉悠,在一個風高月黑的夜里竟然開花了,燈光下花姿素雅,葉剛柔并濟,幽香陣陣。那一刻突然想到了我外婆,看著花容端莊的它醞釀了一整年的悲傷情緒瞬間爆發,我慟哭不至,哭得比外婆去世時還傷心。我覺得是外婆讓蘭花開花的,她來看我了,就這樣看著花,我哭了一夜。

    我是外婆帶大的,我的整個童年無憂無慮的日子都是她陪我度過的。直到上了初中我在沒有同她生活,我去了一個離她很遠的地方,但是每個假期我都會回去同她度過,就這樣我們算的上一起生活了20多年。即使她一生過得艱辛,但猶如一朵孤傲的蘭花,從來不向生活低頭,所謂人如其名,她名副其實。

    我大學剛畢業那年她得了癌癥,但是我總覺得她的日子會很長,因為她是我外婆,我覺得她不會隨便就離我而去。我每周都打電話給她,我告訴她等她病好了我帶她去南方看海,到沙漠看駱駝。

    那時候她剛會玩微信,我都20出頭了,不怎么會做菜,我打電話問過她一次,之后外婆的朋友圈里全都是有關食譜類的文章。

    就在她離世的前一個月,我忙著找工作,因為這樣那樣的小事忙碌起來,忘記了她是個病人,她的時間不多了。總想著等我找到工作,賺到工資就給她買好多好吃的,讓她花我人生第一筆賺的錢。

    拿到第一份工資,急忙打電話,我撥通電話后高興的說:“外婆,外婆,我今天發工資了,我的第一份工資哦!”是媽媽接的電話,她說:“外婆剛睡著,明天讓外婆給你回電話。”其實那時候我就有不詳的預感,但我覺得是我想多了,就這樣我等了整整一夜。

    第二天早晨,天還沒有亮,媽媽打電話說外婆走了,我當時就懵了,自言自語的說:“說好的給我打電話,人呢?怎么能說走就走了,不是最愛我嗎?為什么一句話都不給我說就走了,說一定會等著花我賺的錢,可是等我賺到錢了,你竟然走了,就這樣走了,我人生的各個場景都有你的設想,可是你就一句話都沒有就走了,我人生的整個夢想里都有你,可是你人呢,就這樣走了……”

    那段時間,想起外婆,眼淚總是控制不住掉下來,難受的不知道如何釋放,一直就這樣壓抑著悲傷。現在我特別怕別人說“等明天…”這樣的話。因為明天太遙遠了,它可能就是永遠。

    我們總是把明天看的太隨便,總覺得過了今天就到了,許多人就是這樣被留在了夜里,留在了遠處永遠回不來了。

    在沙漠里我沒有遇見過雨,我見過雪,我也見駱駝踩過雪的腳印。每個腳印里我都可以看見外婆的影子,一個永遠行走的人。

    她走后,剩下的無數個早晨,太陽出來,照著空房子,空蕩蕩的院子塵土再也沒有飄起,樹葉也再沒有落下,太陽曬透的厚厚土墻,一直把溫暖留到晚上。

    外婆說每個人都應該有一棵屬于自己的樹,這樣整個春天都有春的氣息,夏日有遮陽的傘,冬天也不會太冷。在和外婆生活的村莊里,有一棵屬于我的桃樹,每年春天我都會偷偷去看望它,我判斷春天是不是來了,只要看它是否開花,別的花我信不過。它長在一個斜坡上,背靠著一堵墻,那個斜坡到處都是野草。那棵樹不高也不矮,它是整個村莊開花最早的樹,整日灼灼華麗,妖艷極了。它是我至今見過的最美的花,春風撫過,亂零如紅雨,外婆總會讓我端一盆清水,讓花瓣落在清水上,美的我都不敢眨眼,怕錯過了每一片花瓣。我也曾偷偷摘了幾朵帶回我的房間,打算讓它陪我過完整個春天。外婆告訴我不能把一棵樹、一枝花藏起來為自己開,它們屬于春天,它的精神屬于我們。

    我的童年,只要每年種瓜,我就成了一個看西瓜的人了。每天早晨天還沒有亮,外婆就叫醒我,給我塞兩個自己剛蒸出來的饅頭或花卷,把我夜里蓋的小薄被子打包好,挎在我右肩上,將軍綠色的水壺套進我的脖子,送我出家門。我瞇著沒有睡醒的眼睛,腳記得路,就這樣領著我走向那片瓜地。外婆在家門口遠遠眺望這我漸漸縮小的身影,大聲叫喊:天黑之前早點回來,在回來之前別讓狗睡熟,今天給你書包里放了八仙過海,別把書弄丟了。整個夏天就我和外婆還有那條狗在那條路上來來回回。每天夜里,外婆總會讓我給她講我白天看過的書,她會問我白天和哪些蟲子玩耍了,又破壞了哪家螞蟻的巢,聽什么鳥唱歌了。我每次在睡的迷迷糊糊總聽她嘴里念叨著:“下次我在家門口遠遠眺望著你的時候,記得回頭看看我,因為早晨人的面容和晚上就不再是同一張臉了,我怕你有一天會因忘了我的樣子而傷心。”

    外婆在秋天會比別的季節都起得早些,在雞打鳴之前,水桶的聲音不經意間敲落了院子里棗樹上的黃葉子,在秋雨來臨之前,墻角的落葉早被收拾的整整齊齊,玉米豆子高粱也都早早的鉆進了倉里,紅彤彤的蘋果在地窖安安穩穩躺著歇息。我問她:為什么不等雞叫了再起床?她說:人不是雞叫醒的,雞叫不叫是雞的事,天亮不亮是天的事,人心中要有自己的早晨。她領著我給羊和雞割草收拾一些飼料,讓我躺在草中,靜靜聆聽草生長的聲音,人和動物走動的聲音,有時候我躺著躺著就睡著了螞蟻從我的身上踏過,放了好幾個屁我渾然不知,七星瓢蟲在我的臉上踩了又踩畫了好多的圈圈,我也不知道,我想草應該會把我當做一片地,然后長出來。

    冬日的炊煙和亂風總愛糾纏在一起,外婆燒炕的時候遇見調皮的煙和風,一個下午的時間就被消耗完了,煙和風滿天滿地地在院子里打滾,她也奈何不了。她用這個給我舉例子說:隨便一件小事都能消磨掉人的一生,一股煙就可以蓋掉人的一輩子。可我從來沒有明白過,直到我有一年長大了,等她指導我練習毛筆字的時候,我總是覺得她滿身的煙味好像跟了她很多年,趕都趕不。雪悄無聲息地覆蓋了院子和田野,外婆會給我的雪人穿不同的衣服,我那雙冰手都是被外婆給捂熱的,后來才知道她的身子骨露在屋外的寒風中,會隱隱作痛。她走后,我才發現每個人都在自己的生命里孤獨的過冬。我才明白她說冬天在北方記得給自己栽棵梅花樹,讓它陪你過冬。

    我這一生的無數個春夏秋冬都是這樣過的,直到她走了,我也長大了,一切再也回不去了。我一生最無憂無慮的時光在我渾然不知的情況下早就過完了。

    她走后我一個人度過了兩個寒冷刺骨的冬天。有一年的冬天將我全身的骨頭都凍透了,我緊圍火爐,火爐通紅,把我的手和臉都烤的發燙,但骨頭還是冰的,我努力想烤熱自己,但骨頭凍壞在那個雪夜了。我才漸漸明白,一小火爐,對骨頭凍壞的人來說,顯然微不足道,他只能用內心的火烤熱自己,凍壞的骨頭才會重新長出來。

    第二年春天我頭都沒回就去了南方,白天夜里也常有風,在風里我再沒有聽見過故事,再也沒有看見過苜蓿的嫩芽,沒有數過棗花中的蜜蜂,也不知道柿子樹葉是被哪股風吹落的,雪飄起的日子是不是炊煙早早就散了。我將我的外婆連同我的整個童年歲月都扔到童年了,扔在北方那片大地上了。

    左岸記:那些最好感知、最智慧的生活理念,是外婆留給你的最寶貴的東西,你要把它們融入到你的生活里,成為你人格品質的基石,帶著它們創造更美好的生活。這才是老婆一直最大的心愿吧!

    左岸

    愛讀書,愛生活!

    3 Comments On 人心中要有自己的早晨

    1. 感謝您的分享

    2. 外婆,平凡感動

    3. 最怕是風里傳來的故事,里面藏滿了紅彤彤的心,砰砰的聲音好似在說話:我回來了,你在哪里!

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