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    → 左岸讀書,一如既往。

    對不確定未來的恐慌

    2015-04-08 . 閱讀: 6,717 views

    文/毒舌奶奶cc

    前幾天和M見面了。吃的麻辣燙。

    老同學見面自然聊聊同學的八卦,誰誰誰出國了,誰誰誰回學校讀書了,誰誰誰嫁人了,生孩子了,離婚了……

    反正事不關己,胡亂點評別人的生活總有一種莫名的隔岸觀火的快感。但是我們同時感慨,怎么就沒一個混的特牛逼的,畢竟也是一小名牌學校吧?大家生活咋過的都慘兮兮的?

    “哎……”麻辣燙突然一點都不辣了,帶著淡淡苦味。

    M突然說,“有時候我不敢想以后。”

    “怎么了?”

    “我爸昨天打電話來說想我了。我假期用光了,也不能回家……”

    我說,“你好像國慶節才回去吧!”

    M低頭,“H,我最近突然一陣陣恐慌。我經常想,我爸以后怎么辦?”

    我笑,“你想太多了吧。”

    “我爸個體戶,這兩年生意不好做,我現在掙這點兒錢,自己糊口都難,怎么給他養老?他就我一閨女,他叫我都叫兒子。我在想,如果他老了,我又失業了,我該怎么辦?我爸特感性,去年春晚聽了旭日陽剛的春天里,跟我說巨感慨,他說他聽到如果有一天,我悄然離去,請我把埋在,這春天里的時候突然特別凄涼,他說兒子,我老了會不會沒人問。”M嘆口氣說,“然后我哭了。”

    我心里涼涼的,卻笑,“你他媽還會哭。”

    我慶幸我有一對活寶爹媽,對生活從來報喜不報憂,也不會和我談及他們的晚年該如何度過,只是有次經過一老年公寓的時候說,“以后我們的歸宿可能就這里。哪能指望你們?”

    我平時壓根不敢想這些問題,特別是睡覺前,因為如果一想,注定失眠。 我也不敢想未來,工作以來,每月上繳各種保險,養老、失業、生育、還被人推銷買過各種商業保險,卻從來沒給過我安全感。

    離職、入職,入職、離職,這個城市的企業對來來往往的員工并不具有任何的表情,總是純粹的買賣關系,帶著冷冰冰的面具。

    我的工作微不足道,工作幾年了,手頭那些內容新人來了幾天便能教會。沒辦法,事情細分了之后,總不會有太大的難度。有我沒我,企業一樣運作,地球照樣旋轉。我沒那么重要。我可以被很多人取代。

    同學中,安分的人可以守著一個工作做很久,不安分的人跳來跳去有的干脆做了小買賣,未來會如何,誰都不知道,只是認識的大部分人都在掙扎著,倒是真心有一種屌絲的歸屬感。

    我爸說他大學畢業那會分配工作,大家都去了對口單位,只想著好好工作領導認可了就能分房子能提拔,很少想別的。沒什么雄心壯志,也沒什么憂慮。人活的很純粹。

    我很羨慕。

    我或者我們,活的總是那么浮躁,或許這個時代的青年內心都是狂傲躁動的,有幾個甘愿平凡?沒有修煉成精的年輕人,總要浮躁的蹦跶幾年才符合規律吧。

    下午出去辦事,看到幾個賣水果的在板車上打撲克,零下幾度的氣溫,穿著棉襖,黝黑的臟手,滿足的笑容,嶄新的撲克。

    那種幸福我已經不會有。

    心大了,自然不甘如此庸俗的滿足與快樂。然而,我卻連微不足道的滿足與快樂也很少獲得。

    我不知道生命線往前,我會遇到什么樣的契機,讓我升華或者墮落,富裕或者貧窮。我努力工作努力學習,命運卻只有一小半在自己手里,越成熟越明白——很多東西,太不可控了。

    所以我會和M一樣,有莫名的恐懼。不敢想30歲以后會怎樣,生了孩子會怎樣,父母老了會怎樣,經濟崩潰了會怎樣,老公出軌了會怎樣……

    就像人懼怕死亡,是因為對死亡的未知。我懼怕未來,亦是如此。

    我勸自己要活在當下,偶爾襲來的恐懼與迷茫卻在不經意間如影隨形。

    我想目前唯一能做的,就是繼續修煉,修煉成越發可以掌控自己掌控格局掌控情緒掌控人生的老妖怪吧……

    原文地址:http://www.douban.com/note/253566100/

    擴展閱讀:

    問:25歲時,你會選擇讓自己不開心的高收入職業,還是可能無法糊口的自己的愛好呢?

    答:你會這么想,恰恰就是問題所在。人生從不是一個左轉地獄、右轉天堂的重大選擇,而是不斷縮短你與夢想之間距離的過程。

    (來源:Quora?漢化:fall_ark?)

    夢想不會自己實現

    左岸

    愛讀書,愛生活!

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