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    → 左岸讀書,一如既往。

    傾世之才,傾城之戀,卻換不來半生溫暖

    2015-04-05 . 閱讀: 4,775 views

    文/薺麥青青

    無論“傳奇“兩個字以什么樣的方式和標準被定義,但在中國現代文學史上,張愛玲絕對堪稱傳奇。她的作品,一直被視為天才之作,雖然跨越漫長的歷史風云,仍粉絲無數,熱度不減。她的感情生活,也始終如一部偶像大片,跌宕有致,觀者如堵。

    她的小說風貌奇崛,搖曳多姿,但她的文字很少有溫暖的調子,冷靜、自持、涼薄,不乏幾分揶揄的色彩。她愿意樂享人間的一切美好,但這個世界在她眼里并不是一個可以供她肆意取暖和無限依靠的地方,所以,你看她那張最有名的旗袍照,斜睨著眼睛,有幾分驕矜與凌傲,似乎拒人千里之外,但這樣的防御姿勢不過是她與世界隔閡的距離而已,那段距離,懂她的人,輕輕一邁就過去了;不懂她的人,則永遠是無法逾越的天塹。

    她的祖母是晚清重臣李鴻章的長女,祖父張佩綸則是清末名宿,這個顯赫的家族給了她尊貴的身份,優渥的物質生活,卻未能給予她如凡俗家庭一樣的愛與溫情。自小她便在疏離、冷漠的氛圍中長大,一個女孩子需索的一切,比如母親的擁抱,父親的嬌寵,其樂融融的家庭關系,她渴望的關注,她貪戀的眷顧,在她整個年少的階段都是極度匱乏的。她像一顆孱弱的小苗孤單地成長,沒有足夠的雨露與陽光,不安定的生活讓她變得早熟和敏感,見慣了世人的冷眼與世事的無常,但她始終保持著倔強的姿態,她不愿意讓人窺見她童年的陰影,她更不愿意讓人探知她心底愛的空洞,于是,你看到的她,一直驕傲如初。

    著名心理學家武志紅說過,“愛情是童年的一次輪回。如果一個人的童年,是在充滿愛的、健康而和諧的家庭環境中度過,則在未來的情感中,這個人多半會擁有健康地去愛別人的能力,反之亦然。”除非她具有極強的自救能力,并為此付出脫胎換骨的努力,或者獲得外界巨大的支持和體恤,才能讓自童年開始便已欹斜的愛的天平得以有效矯正。張愛玲的早慧讓年少之時的她便已鋒芒乍現,尤其在一系列作品橫空出世,震驚了整個上海灘后,她耀眼的光芒更是令人目眩不已。這時不期而至的愛如一束強光照亮了她的生命。

    那位翩翩佳公子胡蘭成絕非等閑之輩,當年也是以一支生花妙筆連同反戰言論贏得了汪偽政權的賞識,成為替其搖舌鼓噪的御用宣傳部長,當張愛玲以一部部傳奇之作在上海灘掀起了巨大的驚濤駭浪后,胡蘭成竟也被裹挾其中,成為一名趨之若鶩的仰慕者。男人對女人的賞識點除了美貌的共識外,側重點還是有所不同的,比如當年的胡蘭成更驚艷于張愛玲的曠世奇才,如果一個女人不恃其美貌和賢德,而是以男人向來喜歡拿來說事的才情驕之于世的時候,這何嘗不是女人最性感的武器?于是,他主動去拜訪她,盡管吃過閉門羹,但幾個回合下來,清高如她,也難以抵擋才貌俱佳、舌燦蓮花的胡蘭成如火的熱情與似水的柔情。她謙卑地說,“見了他,她變得很低很低,低到塵埃里,但心是喜歡的,從塵埃里開出花來。”智商向來拯救不了情商,但愛情來臨的時候,她寧愿耽溺其間,一晌貪歡。惺惺相惜的兩個人最終結婚,是在他與第二任妻子離婚后。

    胡蘭成后來因為漢奸身份逃亡,但流亡路上,“舊疾”復發,艷遇不斷,張愛玲聽說后千里尋夫,讓他在諸多糾葛中做一抉擇,但胡蘭成竟不肯,只是說,“我待你,天上地下,無有得比較,若選擇,不但于你是委屈,亦對不起小周。”一忍百忍,仍是這般不堪。在回去的游輪上,面對著浩浩的江風,滾滾的波濤,她終于可以讓自己放肆地慟哭。世人只愛戴和膜拜她絕代才女的身份,但那一刻,她只是一個愛斷情殤的無助女子。而一個女人的萬念俱灰,往往是從一場愛的浩劫開始。

    她原想拼將一世休,日日與君好,但怎奈他朝秦暮楚,旁逸斜出。痛定思痛,她終于給他寫信,信上說,“我已經不喜歡你了。你是早已不喜歡我的了。這次的決心,我是經過一年半的長時間考慮的……你不要來尋我,即或寫信來,我亦是不看的了。”

    感情如此濃烈之人,是不給自己任何轉圜的余地的,是非清楚,愛恨分明。慣于在愛情中口是心非的女子,說分手多半是為了被挽留,但此時的張愛玲去意已決,與其殘守一段業已千瘡百孔的感情,不如慧劍斬情絲。清醒有時亦是一份殘忍,只不過,她將凜凜的刀鋒對準的是自己。

    不久他們離婚,由于漢奸生涯,不容于世,他逃亡至日本,此后他一直將她當作是他感情世界中最津津樂道的談資,畢竟張愛玲,只有一個,那時的大上海,她是令多少人揚塵逐之的奇女子。胡蘭成曾說,世人都愛張愛玲的才華,但只有他才是聞雞起舞的那個人。他自恃最懂她,但不夠珍惜才是愛情的死結。他有幸拿到了唯一的那把通向她的鑰匙,卻被他輕易丟棄在風里。

    慣看風月,便無風月,薄幸之人,也往往喜歡將自己打扮成一副深情款款的樣子,晚年,定居在日本的胡蘭成在他的《今生今世》中似乎對張愛玲仍然充滿了一往情深,對于垂暮之年的他而言,滿目山河空念遠,一個曾經將他視作生命的女子便成為了他衰朽記憶中最瑰麗的一筆。他也是深愛過她的吧,然而只是之一,不是唯一,他其實最愛的還是他自己,無關善惡,本性而已。

    他之于她,如冬之炭;她之于他,不過錦上花。所以,任何時候,他都可以輕輕地從她的生命中抽身而出,一派瀟灑,她卻在遍地瘡痍中暗自療傷,聊度殘年。

    據說后來她與劇作家桑弧有過一段無疾而終的曖昧之情,兩人都曾對此事諱莫如深。豐神俊朗的他家世清白,前途光明,他不是那種勇于飛蛾撲火的人,他要的也許只是一位賢妻良母,但在他看來,她是不能在同一個屋檐下與之共擔風雨,煙火相伴的異類女子,這樣的女人,與之談談戀愛也就罷了,不必做長久之計。故,他進退有度,止于臆想。即便才高過頂,仍無法脫離一個尋常男子的窠臼,精明現實,即便白白犧牲掉一樁美好的愛情,他寧愿選擇現世安穩。如果生命可以重新來過,她是否寧愿生于尋常巷陌,一鼎一鑊,一飯一蔬,流年若斯,簡單自足,亦是福報。但即便她肯,也未必有那樣一個人,能夠躬逢其盛,陪她看細水長流。

    1952年張愛玲去了香港,1955年赴美。在美國,她遇到了年長她三十歲的劇作家賴雅,這位如父如兄的老人給了半世飄零的張愛玲一份從未有過的溫暖。縱使天已黃昏,縱使他百病纏身。與胡蘭成戀情的綺麗浪漫相比,她現在要的不過是一份篤定的陪伴。相守十年后賴雅中風病逝。1972年她移居洛杉磯,開始離群索居,盡管仍住在鬧市,但她卻將自己放逐在一人的孤島。

    上個世紀八十年代,張愛玲作品在兩岸三地又開始大熱,很多張迷慕名前往美國拜謁偶像,卻幾乎無人得見真身。有記者為了尋訪她走火入魔,先是搬到她的隔壁,守株待兔一個月,并隱藏在暗處才得以幸見瘦成紙片人的張愛玲。女記者從張所倒的垃圾中試圖翻檢到有用的線索,以窺探她生活的蛛絲馬跡,但馬上被異常敏銳的她發現,于是她驚惶地逃走,不斷搬家以躲避任何打著各種旗號的騷擾。

    她的人生是可以一分為二的,前半生她把自己書寫成了一部傳奇,后半世她只活在自己的軀殼里,任世間喧嚷,她緘默如井。

    她最終無法與這個世界達成妥協,卻與自己和解,1995年9月8日,在洛杉磯的寓所她孤獨地死去,穿著她最愛的旗袍,死后一周才被人發現。《傾城之戀》中她寫道“香港的隱落成全了她。但是在這不可理喻的世界里,誰知道什么是因,什么是果?也許就因為要成全她,一個大都市傾覆了……傳奇里的傾國傾城的人大抵如此。”

    對她來說,這個世界早已經不再是她的世界,散的散,亡的亡,歲月向晚,舉世荒涼,那么,忘的忘吧,葬的葬。如此收稍,亦是圓滿。

    她選擇這樣孤絕的方式,也是為了成全自己最后的堅守。

    張愛玲

    左岸記:誰是誰的誰?再愛,也不要讓自己卑微。每個人大多活在自己的見識之中,我們所能理解的人生就是我們的層次和格局,所以最好不要輕易地給不熟悉的人下蓋棺論定的結論。

    左岸

    愛讀書,愛生活!

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